It would seem that I got a little emotional before writing the last post, and I do not wish to continue it. The basic gist is that my mom has some kind of stigma about me that I don't really help by being a bit clingy.
But on top of all of this, I am twenty-one years old and should be beyond this by now.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My Relationship with My Mother
Is strained. More and more these days I keep having to come up with strategies to make sure that peace is maintained between us. These strategies include avoiding hovering around her for too long, avoiding getting excited when talking about anything with her, avoiding telling her things off the top of my head, avoiding trying to teach her anything new, etc.
But of course I suck at this. I am a jumpy daughter and I want to tell my mom anything. Just my luck I was born with a mother with an inflated ego, immense immaturity, and intense insecurity.
[My point was just poetically proven to me a moment ago, when she came into my room to tell me that an old friend of hers is dropping by, and if I'm asked, I'm to say that she's been working a landscaping job for the past couple of years, which is a blatant lie-- she has been unemployed for nearly that long.]
I never had the problem of my mother getting too involved in my business. It was the other way around. From about fourteen onward my mom had gotten her midlife crisis underway, and decided that she was pretty much done being "mommy." This was because she had met Chris.
No other name has caused me more stomachache and tears, but I'm starting to get over it. As long as he stays in jail, I'm happy, because the longer Mom has no access to him, the better things are for a while. But of course, this reprieve comes with a price, because her romance is so unabashedly rekindled whenever he gets back out.
I may have to continue later.
But of course I suck at this. I am a jumpy daughter and I want to tell my mom anything. Just my luck I was born with a mother with an inflated ego, immense immaturity, and intense insecurity.
[My point was just poetically proven to me a moment ago, when she came into my room to tell me that an old friend of hers is dropping by, and if I'm asked, I'm to say that she's been working a landscaping job for the past couple of years, which is a blatant lie-- she has been unemployed for nearly that long.]
I never had the problem of my mother getting too involved in my business. It was the other way around. From about fourteen onward my mom had gotten her midlife crisis underway, and decided that she was pretty much done being "mommy." This was because she had met Chris.
No other name has caused me more stomachache and tears, but I'm starting to get over it. As long as he stays in jail, I'm happy, because the longer Mom has no access to him, the better things are for a while. But of course, this reprieve comes with a price, because her romance is so unabashedly rekindled whenever he gets back out.
I may have to continue later.
Om Sharavana Bhavaya Namaha Test
I've finally settled on a mantra: Om Sharavana Bhavaya Namaha. It is meant to attract good fortune. With my willpower, I project it to mean just a bit more than a mere increase in good luck, and so far, the results have been good.
I try to imagine the mantra attracting these glowing green plus signs. They come into my body and are absorbed. I imagine these positives filling me, and when there is nothing else to make positive, it will move on to other aspects of my life, and others that I know or will it to. I have started keeping a list of people that the extra chanted positives go to.
I imagine the plus signs healing my negative karma and health and relationships. I imagine them getting me on the right track with my education and my job. I basically have forced myself, as an experiment, to believe and trust that this mantra has all the answers, and is all I need after meditation.
Let's see where it get's me.
So far, it has gotten me twenty-five bucks, ESP experiences, etc. I need to start keeping a more specific list of things that seem interesting.
I try to imagine the mantra attracting these glowing green plus signs. They come into my body and are absorbed. I imagine these positives filling me, and when there is nothing else to make positive, it will move on to other aspects of my life, and others that I know or will it to. I have started keeping a list of people that the extra chanted positives go to.
I imagine the plus signs healing my negative karma and health and relationships. I imagine them getting me on the right track with my education and my job. I basically have forced myself, as an experiment, to believe and trust that this mantra has all the answers, and is all I need after meditation.
Let's see where it get's me.
So far, it has gotten me twenty-five bucks, ESP experiences, etc. I need to start keeping a more specific list of things that seem interesting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
